good by 2007 hello 2008!

well. 2025's over and it sucked. i don't actually want to be too pessimistic, though, because for all it's worth the good things that happened to me in it were fulfilling, and i'm happy they happened. i... was going to draw a picture for new years, but my tablet pen rolled off my desk and shattered into a bazillion pieces day of the eve while i was cleaning my desk, so uh...

well, i think the most glaring thing is that i don't really want to die anymore. it's been a long time coming, really, and sometimes i stumble back into suicidality, mostly out of habit, or feeling like something is REALLY going to do me in this time, but... i don't.. want, to feel that way anymore. and i've been feeling it less and less over the course of the latter half of the year. i've been internalizing the fact that i'm still quite young (have i ever told anyone my age on here? i'm turning 21 this year!) and my life isn't over, even if i keep struggling.. i have time to struggle. i have time to fall and pick myself back up. i'll be okay!

hmm.. what happened in 2025, let's run it back.. well, i almost got diagnosed with autism (wording it like that because i got a specialist to write me a referral that i got too busy to follow up, sat me down in her office and immediately clocked me because it's THAT obvious, lol), got into kingdom hearts (thanks holly!), learned i'm kin with axel, learned three of my closest people (at the time) are kin with saïx, roxas and xion, said saïx kinnie was my qpp at the time, which got broken off by him, and i'm still kind of picking up the pieces of that, because it cost me an entire friend group of which a good half i'm far too afraid to speak to because i know his tendency to talk shit about people he doesn't like, because he did it to me for 5 years about even mutual friends of ours, but whatever really because they certainly didn't come to me to hear my side, attempted suicide not once but twice, the later having to do with the former situation, thankfully survived that as you may be able to tell by the fact that i'm still alive and healthy, went into debt, learned i have ehlers-danlos syndrome (and because of some fucky subluxation gone wrong on my knee have a bum leg that bothers me some days to varying degrees), GOT INTO A POLYAMOROUS RELATIONSHIP!!!!!!!!! i've been dating [previously mentioned xion] for the past 5 (soon to be 6!) years now but we both developed feelings for our mutual friend, [previously mentioned roxas] and stuff just happened from there. it's new and scary and hard sometimes and exciting but it's been kind of extremely rewarding.

i'm sure way more things than that happened, but i can't really think of them right now.. my actual new years was pretty good!!! the morrow of the eve was a little nervewracking; me and my girlfriend woke up a little frazzled, but by the time evening rolled around we were feeling a lot better and spent the night watching stuff with our partner. i was cross-faded on weed and fruit beer while we were watching Vampire Hunter D, Hellsing and Castlevania in an accidentally really Vampiric New Years. i fought the traffic of new years eve to go to the grocery store and get myself snacks because i had some spare cash and just really wanted to do something nice for myself one day out of the year LOL. standing up for an hour on low blood pressure and unstable joints has never been so worth it!

there's a lot to look forward to in 2026... DELTARUNE Chapter 5, the new Madoka movie, Trigun Stargaze, Whatever The Fuck ATLUS Has In Store For The Persona 30th Anniversary -- oh, yeah, P4R too! ...aaand probably more that i'm forgetting again. be nice to me, it's almost 5 AM and i've been up for like 20 hours now. more on the short term, my girlfriend bought me a sonic plushie, and he gets here soon! oh, also, our lease expires in february - so though i'm anxious about expenses (as i always am) i'm also excited to move to a place that hopefully doesn't suck major balls and ass.

despite this seeming like a pretty bleak post at times, i'm going into 2026 with hopes that things will change for the better, and a desire to work to make that a reality in whatever ways i can. i think it's going to be alright.

 

resolutions.. mm.. well, i'm never good at those, but it doesn't hurt to name things i want to do.

- play more games. jesus christ, you can tell i really was depressed because i somehow just completely lost the drive to do anything at all for a solid, like, 18 months there. i've been getting into PSX and Wii/GameCube emulation recently and god, man, i forgot how much i missed the sense of achievement of just.. like.. progressing through something. solidly around 40% through Castlevania: Symphony of the Night right now, and i'm not even good at metroidvanias!

- in the same spirit of 'do more things', write more. be it fanfiction or on here, i need to get my creative juices flowing again in ways that aren't just doodling something or other because visual art is what i'm used to. i want to set myself to write at least two blog posts a month on here, and at least, like, three one-shot fics by the end of the year.

- make music. i don't care! i'm tired of being held back by my perfectionism. [grabs future me by the shoulders] make One song. One finished song by december 2026. that's all i ask of you. 

- start being able to save up. i know, this one's kind of out of my control, especially with the state of the world, but i want to try anyways. having a couple thousand in the bank at any time would be so awesome, and it would be even more awesome to be able to save up to buy a car. a desktop setup would be nice too..

- show up more for my friends! hang out more! even.. make new friends? - i'm not really.. well, i am an extremely sociable person, but i'm also deeply anxious because i've been kind of hit with a mallet over the head for the past like 8 years of my life by people i thought i could trust, so i'm always a little scared of approaching others nowadays. depression also sapped me of the desire to foster the relationships with the friends i DO have, and i gotta get better about that!

 

i think that's about all i have to say about new years. man, last year was a doozy. let's hope this one is better.

the worst thing about polyamory [...]

By far, the most annoying thing about polyamory is.. just.. the downright bizarre biases people will cast on you on a whim.

Okay, so, as you may know from my last entry, I'm "with" two people, who are also "with" each other. We're happy like this, thank you very much!

But for the sake of continuity, this wasn't the case when this happened.

At the time, me and my girlfriend (they) were a monogamous couple.
I have, uh, always kind of been polyamorous though. I'm the type of person who views it as more of an.. unconscious thing akin to an orientation than a lifestyle choice. I expressed that I might have an interest in exploring that, and we talked about it.

The reaction at first wasn't great - it's fine, nobody holds anything against anyone, and they were well in their right to be wary! But after eventually choosing, of their own volition, to see things my way, I (reportedly) got very happy, and this made something click in their head that that was what they wanted.

We decided that, for the time being, they were okay with me wandering as long as I came home, since they identified as monogamous at the time and didn't really have the same interest in seeking others as I did, and I was.. well, obviously I was kind of really worried about that, after all, it wasn't a level playing ground - I'd learn about "equity, not equality" a few months later - but after a few weeks of bringing the topic up again and again and talking it over to make sure it wasn't something they were agreeing to on a condition of any sort, I felt reassured.

And then, while my girlfriend is talking to a mutual friend about an issue they were having with me, over their own insecurity, they share the revelation that they'd experienced joy in allowing me to be who I wanted to be, instead of stifling it - and the conversation halts there, because the mutual friend immediately locks in on the information that we're in a mono-poly dynamic.

Their immediate concern? "Vash isn't taking advantage of you, right? You're comfortable with this, right? :("

Now, for the scholars in the crowd, this might come across as common sense. But to those less fortunate, please consider, for just a moment, about what you're very staunchly implying when you say something like this.

Well, me and my partner decided to move in together, and -
Did they kidnap you? Oh my God, are you okay?

I don't think the cinema is that scary. Me and my friend went out to watch a movie -
Oh, they didn't force you, did they? I'm so sorry..

Like, first off, why are you assuming my girlfriend can't possibly be with me out of their own volition? Why are you removing their own agency in implying I'm doing just that? Second off, you're implying that not only would my girlfriend of 5 consecutive years not tell me if something I did made them uncomfortable, you're implying that I just wouldn't give enough of a shit to ask? ..Huh? I wish I had the mind to be like.. upset, or angry, or anything at this, but the more I think about it the more, just, utterly mind-boggling it is. Especially due to the fact that, as stated beforehand, I agonized about this, for months.

I am this type of person. I am anxious, and I always want to make sure I'm not accidentally harming others by being too impulsive, or bold, or excited. I would never want to hurt anyone on purpose. Anyone who's been around me for long enough can attest to that, too. My default perception of myself is that I am hurtful, and so I take steps to avoid that.

And I'm.. not really one to be bothered, long-term, by the things strangers on the internet or otherwise say to me. People who at the end of the day don't know me and I don't know them. But to have shit like this come from a close, long-term friend, kind of feels like a bucket of ice water over my head. Because.. how do you view me, man? Is it easier to imagine me as this kind of predatory monster than to consider that maybe I have actually had adult conversations with my partners about how to handle something like this without destroying two or more relationships in my wake? Come on.