the worst thing about polyamory [...]

[tenderfeeling]

By far, the most annoying thing about polyamory is.. just.. the downright bizarre biases people will cast on you on a whim.

Okay, so, as you may know from my last entry, I'm "with" two people, who are also "with" each other. We're happy like this, thank you very much!

But for the sake of continuity, this wasn't the case when this happened.

At the time, me and my girlfriend (they) were a monogamous couple.
I have, uh, always kind of been polyamorous though. I'm the type of person who views it as more of an.. unconscious thing akin to an orientation than a lifestyle choice. I expressed that I might have an interest in exploring that, and we talked about it.

The reaction at first wasn't great - it's fine, nobody holds anything against anyone, and they were well in their right to be wary! But after eventually choosing, of their own volition, to see things my way, I (reportedly) got very happy, and this made something click in their head that that was what they wanted.

We decided that, for the time being, they were okay with me wandering as long as I came home, since they identified as monogamous at the time and didn't really have the same interest in seeking others as I did, and I was.. well, obviously I was kind of really worried about that, after all, it wasn't a level playing ground - I'd learn about "equity, not equality" a few months later - but after a few weeks of bringing the topic up again and again and talking it over to make sure it wasn't something they were agreeing to on a condition of any sort, I felt reassured.

And then, while my girlfriend is talking to a mutual friend about an issue they were having with me, over their own insecurity, they share the revelation that they'd experienced joy in allowing me to be who I wanted to be, instead of stifling it - and the conversation halts there, because the mutual friend immediately locks in on the information that we're in a mono-poly dynamic.

Their immediate concern? "Vash isn't taking advantage of you, right? You're comfortable with this, right? :("

Now, for the scholars in the crowd, this might come across as common sense. But to those less fortunate, please consider, for just a moment, about what you're very staunchly implying when you say something like this.

Well, me and my partner decided to move in together, and -
Did they kidnap you? Oh my God, are you okay?

I don't think the cinema is that scary. Me and my friend went out to watch a movie -
Oh, they didn't force you, did they? I'm so sorry..

Like, first off, why are you assuming my girlfriend can't possibly be with me out of their own volition? Why are you removing their own agency in implying I'm doing just that? Second off, you're implying that not only would my girlfriend of 5 consecutive years not tell me if something I did made them uncomfortable, you're implying that I just wouldn't give enough of a shit to ask? ..Huh? I wish I had the mind to be like.. upset, or angry, or anything at this, but the more I think about it the more, just, utterly mind-boggling it is. Especially due to the fact that, as stated beforehand, I agonized about this, for months.

I am this type of person. I am anxious, and I always want to make sure I'm not accidentally harming others by being too impulsive, or bold, or excited. I would never want to hurt anyone on purpose. Anyone who's been around me for long enough can attest to that, too. My default perception of myself is that I am hurtful, and so I take steps to avoid that.

And I'm.. not really one to be bothered, long-term, by the things strangers on the internet or otherwise say to me. People who at the end of the day don't know me and I don't know them. But to have shit like this come from a close, long-term friend, kind of feels like a bucket of ice water over my head. Because.. how do you view me, man? Is it easier to imagine me as this kind of predatory monster than to consider that maybe I have actually had adult conversations with my partners about how to handle something like this without destroying two or more relationships in my wake? Come on.