tender-hearted

well. christmas came and went. i didn't write anything about it because i don't really celebrate!

it's... a... to me, it's like.. [flounders a little] it feels like another one of those social conventions that just makes other people feel bad, but this one seems to be more socially acceptable all around? i don't really know. it comes with a lot of pressure even to people who seem to appreciate holidays. my girlfriend got me a sonic plush, because they wanted to, and though i'm usually very resistant to receiving gifts (i... don't feel... like i deserve them, most of the time...) it would be cute and comforting to me so i'm pretty chuffed about it. little guy will be here around mid january as long as i don't forget to check in with customs.

mom got laid off, we're struggling, rent isn't paid, it's whatever. i've decided to stop stressing out about it and just take each day in stride. it doesn't make poverty less... stressful... to be in, but it keeps me from freaking the fuck out all the time because.. like.. that's not going to change anything. seems like everyone's a little fucked financially recently anyways. the state of the world worries me sometimes! but we've survived worse as a society.

i'm excited for 2025 to be over. it wasn't as bad as 2024.. i had a lot of good things happen and good times but ultimately it's overstayed its welcome. i know the mere passage of time isn't magical and it won't make things better but, you know... we use these measures of time as a matter of perspective more than anything.

in other news, i finally watched all of katanagatari (and am currently reading the novels).... AND simultaneously getting into trigun at the behest of my other partner (that's a story for another entry). all around really good and also you should watch katanagatari. please. please? for me? it's good. "why are you not talking about trigun are you less enthusiastic about it" don't even joke about it lad. i just keep getting shy because it's something i care about that someone else showed me so i'm a little bashful.

the incomes in our house have gone from a single salary to -- hopefully soon, three! that's going to lift a lot of the weight on my shoulders that have led to me feeling utterly paralyzed for the past two years. maybe if i play my cards right i can even save up for a little, shitty sedan or hatchback by the end of the year*.

hope you've all been well.

i recently got out of a multiple-year long abusive relationship and it's uh. well, i've been learning all the ways in which it messed me up and processing everything that happened to me. trying not to blame myself for the times i lashed out when i kept getting pushed further and further past my breaking point, remind myself that nothing i could've done warranted that kind of behavior, hanging out with close friends to keep my mind off of everything, trying to build a platform for myself so i can build back the financial support they'd been giving me.. it's been hard.

i'm happy to say i don't miss a single second of it, though. i used to feel like i was dead inside, like i was less than a person, because.. well that's kind of just happens to you when you're so close with someone who struggles to put anyone's feelings above their own, at any point in time, ever. i do hope they get help and improve, not for me because i'm never, ever ever ever going back there, ever, but because i know they're not.. like, an evil person, and i want them to have a chance at real relationships with people. but i also have to take care of myself. never again, man. never again. i'm glad to feel like the things i have to say matter and not be afraid of being pressured into contact and interactions and comfort i don't want to give, to be able to say 'no' without being punished, to be able to assert what i think and disagree and not be ignored and not be PUNISHED!! fuck!!! the gall someone has to say that they don't blame you for acting out when you live in an abusive household and then pull all the shit that they did to me, and not understand that they were making the problem WORSE! let's compound abuse with abuse and see what happens! ..sorry, i got heated there. more than anything..

i'm so glad to have a close circle of friends i could confide with. i'm so so so glad i spoke up when i did. everyone has been so kind to me and thinking about it now makes me misty-eyed. i have the best companions i could ever ask for, and i'm forever and ever grateful. the world keeps reminding me in little ways that i don't have to put up with people who don't have my best interests at heart, i don't have to put up with mistreatment or carelessness or uncommunication. i can choose who i want in my life and who i want to engage with and who i want to give my energy - i can choose who i want to have access to me. that's huge. i didn't think that was possible. if i've disappeared off of somewhere you used to be able to reach me, that's because i had to pull some brakes to keep them from being able to creep on me and what i'm doing all the time. don't be shy to ask me for other forms of contact aside from DW if you'd like that.

fuck, man.
what else is there to say?

i'm still angry. i'm still bitter. i probably will be for years onwards, after all, this person has been in my life since i was 12. but mostly, i'm so fucking ready to move on. i feel like i finally let go of a dead weight i had been dragging around with me. it wasn't even enjoyable anymore at some point. sure, there were good periods, but now that i'm standing out of it, they were little specks of gold in a rushing river of blood. i couldn't keep up that rhythm for much longer.

if they think me leaving means i didn't love them, so be it. god knows how much i did. god knows how much i tried, over and over, for years. god knows how much i shaved off parts of myself until it was something they'd love, and even then it wasn't enough. and when i started getting sick of it, i wasn't any good at all. i loved you - not just the emotion, not limerence, but the action. did you?

i'll try to update all of you more on fun stuff soon. sorry to be heavy. i love all of you dearly, as always.

and if you're reading this? go away. i shouldn't need to state this thrice. boundaries. don't cross them.

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how soon is 'soon'? i don't know. i'm going to start trying to save up, maybe get a noncommittal job here to help with that. i'm glad that i have the support of my siblings - i feel like my mom has a lot of baggage and i need someone to be there to ground me and make sure i'm not making her feelings my own. i'm a little sick of suffering for the sake of other people. i need to get out, so i'm going to do my best to make that true.

i wish i could say i'm happy.. it's true that a life outside of here would be massively beneficial to me, and i'll probably enjoy it more once i've made the jump, but for now..? i'm standing at the edge of a cliff. i'm an acrophobe trying to skydive. it's scary, and instinctively? i don't want it. i want to stay here, where it hurts but is comfortable, and i don't want to jump.. because the fall is scary.

the idea of freedom is bizarre. i'm not used to it. but i won't deny myself the opportunity that has presented itself.

i'm hoping this lends itself to a better life.
 

despite shit being really hard for a while there, i'm doing pretty good... i need a rest period to recover from stress but it feels like i say that every week and something new comes up every week anyways, LOL

i'm studying japanese again. it's haaaard. only learning kana and knowing absolutely zero kanji right now kind of pisses me off.. i don't want to sound like a kindergartener... but according to my girlfriend i have really good language acquisition skills so i just have to keep at it!

i left my prior online identity for almost two months now, and god it feels so fucking good to be able to be a person and not some pseudo-influencer online. so sick of the drama. so sick of the infighting. of the being scrutinized or treated like some sort of bobblehead and not able to have like. struggles. i could rant about this for hours but i'm just glad to be the fuck out of there.

i'm also planning on getting my bearings in order to move out! it's going to take a while and it's going to be hard but i genuinely think it's better for me to fly the coop as soon as i can. i genuinely cannot stand living here anymore. i love my mother but there comes a point where being around someone who simply refuses to be happy in any way is not a sustainable way to live.

honestly a lot of late 2025 has just felt like this:


in better news, i've been getting into STH again.... sonic was my first ever special interest as a kid and it's felt so warm and wonderful and healing to be able to reconnect with it. on the other hand SO MUCH has happened with the series since i last went here and i'm having to play so much catch up to like, understand what newgen fans are talking about LOL i say this with fondness in my heart.
please see this video i watched with my girlfriend, both of us completely silent during the entire thing because it resonated with us so deeply: