VIII. the princess ponders of a life outside her tower

[tenderfeeling]

sorry if you were there to see my last post.. i'm alright now. since my meltdown, i've kind of, sort of, accidentally kickstarted a chain of events that seems to be culminating in me moving out of my mother's home (and the town that i've come to revile so much) and back into my hometown soon.
i'm not being kicked out, funnily enough - and apparently i've been good enough at sitting still and playing dead that the very idea that i'd want to leave comes as a 'complete shock' to her. i don't know how much of this is manipulation considering i am a brand new soul and very naïve to the idea that others might want to hurt my own recovery at their own benefit, but...

how soon is 'soon'? i don't know. i'm going to start trying to save up, maybe get a noncommittal job here to help with that. i'm glad that i have the support of my siblings - i feel like my mom has a lot of baggage and i need someone to be there to ground me and make sure i'm not making her feelings my own. i'm a little sick of suffering for the sake of other people. i need to get out, so i'm going to do my best to make that true.

i wish i could say i'm happy.. it's true that a life outside of here would be massively beneficial to me, and i'll probably enjoy it more once i've made the jump, but for now..? i'm standing at the edge of a cliff. i'm an acrophobe trying to skydive. it's scary, and instinctively? i don't want it. i want to stay here, where it hurts but is comfortable, and i don't want to jump.. because the fall is scary.

the idea of freedom is bizarre. i'm not used to it. but i won't deny myself the opportunity that has presented itself.

i'm hoping this lends itself to a better life.
 

Comments

[wavesagainstrocks]

i'm a little sick of suffering for the sake of other people. i need to get out, so i'm going to do my best to make that true.

I empathize with your situation so much, and I hope you know your thoughts and feelings are already the beginning of change! At some point you really do just, stop wanting to deal with bullshit like that from others. Your annoyance isn't unwarranted, and more a sign that deep down, you do want better for yourself even if you were conditioned to believe otherwise.

it's scary, and instinctively? i don't want it. i want to stay here, where it hurts but is comfortable, and i don't want to jump.. because the fall is scary.

Gah, very relatable!! Obviously I don't know what you've been through, but I think it's worth sitting with the fact you were/are living through something that is scary already! Humans are more resilient creatures than we think we are! I'm in a vaguely similar situation, but I got a lot of hope for the both of us! Don't give up, stranger! Good things are coming!

[tenderfeeling]

i didn't get to respond to this initially because i got caught up with, like, 30 things happening in my life at once, but i hope you know this comment is so very kind and i kept thinking of it fondly throughout the week.

stay strong as well! we will get through this!!