![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tenderfeelingi'm not being kicked out, funnily enough - and apparently i've been good enough at sitting still and playing dead that the very idea that i'd want to leave comes as a 'complete shock' to her. i don't know how much of this is manipulation considering i am a brand new soul and very naïve to the idea that others might want to hurt my own recovery at their own benefit, but...
how soon is 'soon'? i don't know. i'm going to start trying to save up, maybe get a noncommittal job here to help with that. i'm glad that i have the support of my siblings - i feel like my mom has a lot of baggage and i need someone to be there to ground me and make sure i'm not making her feelings my own. i'm a little sick of suffering for the sake of other people. i need to get out, so i'm going to do my best to make that true.
i wish i could say i'm happy.. it's true that a life outside of here would be massively beneficial to me, and i'll probably enjoy it more once i've made the jump, but for now..? i'm standing at the edge of a cliff. i'm an acrophobe trying to skydive. it's scary, and instinctively? i don't want it. i want to stay here, where it hurts but is comfortable, and i don't want to jump.. because the fall is scary.
the idea of freedom is bizarre. i'm not used to it. but i won't deny myself the opportunity that has presented itself.
i'm hoping this lends itself to a better life.
(no subject)
Date: 2025-10-12 01:04 am (UTC)i didn't get to respond to this initially because i got caught up with, like, 30 things happening in my life at once, but i hope you know this comment is so very kind and i kept thinking of it fondly throughout the week.
stay strong as well! we will get through this!!