tenderfeeling | and i, am letting, all you horses go

*pokes head out of hole* ..hi, friends.
i haven't been posting much on here because, uh, a lot has been going on in my personal life, ahaha.
i've been meaning to update people who follow me on DW about all of this stuff for a bit now, but not only did it keep escaping me but i kept getting scared of talking about any of it for a multitude of reasons.

i recently got out of a multiple-year long abusive relationship and it's uh. well, i've been learning all the ways in which it messed me up and processing everything that happened to me. trying not to blame myself for the times i lashed out when i kept getting pushed further and further past my breaking point, remind myself that nothing i could've done warranted that kind of behavior, hanging out with close friends to keep my mind off of everything, trying to build a platform for myself so i can build back the financial support they'd been giving me.. it's been hard.

i'm happy to say i don't miss a single second of it, though. i used to feel like i was dead inside, like i was less than a person, because.. well that's kind of just happens to you when you're so close with someone who struggles to put anyone's feelings above their own, at any point in time, ever. i do hope they get help and improve, not for me because i'm never, ever ever ever going back there, ever, but because i know they're not.. like, an evil person, and i want them to have a chance at real relationships with people. but i also have to take care of myself. never again, man. never again. i'm glad to feel like the things i have to say matter and not be afraid of being pressured into contact and interactions and comfort i don't want to give, to be able to say 'no' without being punished, to be able to assert what i think and disagree and not be ignored and not be PUNISHED!! fuck!!! the gall someone has to say that they don't blame you for acting out when you live in an abusive household and then pull all the shit that they did to me, and not understand that they were making the problem WORSE! let's compound abuse with abuse and see what happens! ..sorry, i got heated there. more than anything..

i'm so glad to have a close circle of friends i could confide with. i'm so so so glad i spoke up when i did. everyone has been so kind to me and thinking about it now makes me misty-eyed. i have the best companions i could ever ask for, and i'm forever and ever grateful. the world keeps reminding me in little ways that i don't have to put up with people who don't have my best interests at heart, i don't have to put up with mistreatment or carelessness or uncommunication. i can choose who i want in my life and who i want to engage with and who i want to give my energy - i can choose who i want to have access to me. that's huge. i didn't think that was possible. if i've disappeared off of somewhere you used to be able to reach me, that's because i had to pull some brakes to keep them from being able to creep on me and what i'm doing all the time. don't be shy to ask me for other forms of contact aside from DW if you'd like that.

fuck, man.
what else is there to say?

i'm still angry. i'm still bitter. i probably will be for years onwards, after all, this person has been in my life since i was 12. but mostly, i'm so fucking ready to move on. i feel like i finally let go of a dead weight i had been dragging around with me. it wasn't even enjoyable anymore at some point. sure, there were good periods, but now that i'm standing out of it, they were little specks of gold in a rushing river of blood. i couldn't keep up that rhythm for much longer.

if they think me leaving means i didn't love them, so be it. god knows how much i did. god knows how much i tried, over and over, for years. god knows how much i shaved off parts of myself until it was something they'd love, and even then it wasn't enough. and when i started getting sick of it, i wasn't any good at all. i loved you - not just the emotion, not limerence, but the action. did you?

i'll try to update all of you more on fun stuff soon. sorry to be heavy. i love all of you dearly, as always.

and if you're reading this? go away. i shouldn't need to state this thrice. boundaries. don't cross them.

__________________________________________________

the thing i think i love will surely bring me pain
intoxication, paranoia, and a lot of fame
three cheers for throwing up, pubescent drama queen
you make me sick, i make it worse by drinkin' late

scream, scream, scream, scream
scream, scream until there's nothing left
so sick of playing, i don't want to anymore
the thought of you's no fuckin' fun
you want a martyr? i'll be one
because enough's enough, we're done

you told me, "think about it," well, i did!
now i don't wanna feel a thing anymore
i'm tired of beggin' for the things that i want
i'm over sleepin' like a dog on the floor
imagine livin' like a king someday
a single night without a ghost in the walls
and if the bass shakes the earth underground - we'll start a new revolution, now!
king for a day - pierce the veil

and i, am letting, all you horses go - i'm letting all you horses go!

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