on surrender

[tenderfeeling]

living situation is precarious, might be homeless soon - not really the thing i want to talk about on this post, though, but it's relevant.

i know i said in 2026 i wanted to accept less, but really i think i just want to accept different things. i don't want to fall victim to learned helplessness or anything like that, but i'm also thinking like.. i need to let go and stop trying to wrangle things desperately so they bend to my will lol. if i can't do something i can't do something and toiling away is just trapping me in some kind of masochistic sisyphean loop. so... whatever! que sera sera, and all of that.

i also.. just.. want to, in the words of someone i used to know, live "a yoshikage kira quiet life without the hand and murder stuff". i want to do things i like and have enough money to live frugally but comfortably and hang out with people that like me and avoid people that don't. that's really all man. i'm not asking for much at this point because my desires are incredibly bohemian.

i'm comfortable with the fact that i've done my best. just, about everything, really. i don't need anyone else to validate me. i know what i am. and i'm glad for the people who do believe in me, and i care not much for those who don't.